When I started this blog I was hoping I could reach other fathers who, like me, witnessed the birth of their sons with expectations of non-stop kickabouts down the park and bike rides around the block. But our reality turned out to be different. In many ways better and more rewarding, but undoubtedly different.
I already knew of some of the influencers: There are some great parents: Gill Dixon immediately springs to mind (thanks for the timely seatbelt advice in particular!) with her unrivalled experience of supporting a dyspraxic family. Then there’s the Dyspraxic Copper with his experiences in what must sometimes be the most physical of vocations or MikeysWish, championing the cause for verbal dyspraxia. Plus, Professionals like Dr Sally Payne and the superb Dyspraxic Doctor. What’s more, phenomenal professional writers like Jenny Hollander and Maxine Frances Roper, using their skills to provide firsthand experience of living with dyspraxia as an adult.
But what’s new is that a whole community has opened up. Everyday people facing many of the challenges we all face - like finding fulfilment in our family, personal and professional lives - but living it all with the added difficulties of dyspraxia. Those sharing experiences of growing up with the condition are particularly useful to me as a parent. Among many great examples is Alice Hewson’s recent blog on her school days. It was so enlightening for me as a parent who wants to do what’s best for his son and a reminder that there are always consequences, intended or otherwise.
The other day, I witnessed these tweets from Alice and Maxine, discouraging use of the label “inspirational” when coupled with disability and encouraging a focus on acceptance that people find certain things difficult. This is undoubtedly important, but I’m not sorry to say that the entire dyspraxia community I’ve come across is an inspiration for me whether they like it or not! Inspiration to know that I’m human, I’m fallible and I have made many mistakes (and will make many more). Inspiration to know that - whilst dyspraxia challenges are constant - people adjust, adapt, gain Masters degrees, swing golf clubs, pass driving tests. Inspiration to do my best as a father. Inspiration to keep going and doing everything possible to support the development of another fine dyspraxic adult.
So, I have two questions for all dyspraxic adults to answer:
- Is there one thing your parent(s) / carer(s) did particularly well in supporting you growing up as a child with dyspraxia?
- Is there one thing they didn’t do but you wish they had done (or did just a little/ occasionally but wish they’d done more of)?
Irrespective of whether you received a diagnosis in adulthood or childhood, please tell me your answers via this blog’s comments section, Twitter (@dyspraxiadad) or a personal message via Twitter (with anonymity assured). If I get enough, I’ll report back on my findings. I promise I’ll find your response insightful and, dare I say, inspirational!
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ReplyDeleteMaxine here (this handle is about 12 years old; Blogspot won't let me change it. It also won't let me edit comments so I deleted the first one...). I've said all this to you before I'm sure but for everyone else's benefit...:
ReplyDeleteWhat my parents did well:
- Recognising what I was best at doing
- Encouraging me to make a career out of my natural talent rather than deludedly forcing me into doing something I was completely rubbish at because of the high status or pay. It didn't stop me ending up in the wrong job once but at least they didn't tell me from the age of four I had to become an architect or else...
- Praising me for being independent-minded and self-motivated (although there were problems when the anxiety/depression interfered with that motivation..).
- Not dumping a whole heap of problematic/religiously-influenced attitudes to sex and gender roles onto me.
What they didn't do well
- Standing back and relinquishing control when it came to certain everyday little things (Still the case).
- Encouraging me to have interests which weren't related to the one I wanted to turn into a job
- Helping to create a safe, patient environment for me to try out things which weren't natural to me (It has taken a long time since my - adult - diagnosis to start to do this for myself and they are now supportive of it).
Also, although they recognise and accept my diagnosis, they are less mindful of the secondary effects (mental health, energy levels, communication style, etc).
My thoughts on the term "inspiration" can wait for another medium!
Thank you for your inspirational response!
DeleteIn seriousness, this is so useful - thanks so much. Exactly the sorts of things I need. I think I might list all these things out and read them every morning because I'm terrible at sticking to good practice despite my best intentions. Must try harder!
Thank you; really glad to be of help!
DeleteA great thread. i will share this with the Df for addition to the adult dyspraxics page.
ReplyDeleteThanks Gill! Much appreciated as always.
DeleteMy parents did well to not place to much emphasis on educational attainment of careers. Yes they helped me with my extra homework, and mum went in to argue with the teacher that dyslexia etc did exist and I was not lazy, so stuck up for me when it mattered. But generally, they never placed to much pressure on me to do well in my exams or find the right job. They did make a huge effort to let me access lots of different kinds of hobbies in after school groups etc to keep me busy and help me socialise. They also were role models in their belief that life should be enjoyed, and worked in jobs that didn't define them but instead let there hobbies define them by going away on the weekends in there camervan to do outdoor sports. Despite dyspraxia dysgrahia add and a visual distortion, I went on to get a masters degree and I now love education, but it feels like my choice and I learned that I don't need to define myself by that.
ReplyDeleteI could have done with an earlier diagnosis in school, so I could have got better grades at GCSE,which would have helped me to get into a better college and uni. I also could have done with accessing mental health support around my teenage years, if you think your child is becoming depressed try not to blame yourself and do get CHAMs involved.
This is so useful. Thanks so much. And congratulations on your Masters degree: that’s such an accomplishment!
DeleteHello! It's Alice - I've been thinking of some answers to your questions.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of things my parents did well, I have a younger brother and sister (who aren't dyspraxic) and they didn't treat me any differently to them as a young child (teenage years were a bit different). Anything my siblings did - they wanted me to try too - even if that meant fishing me out of several bushes or brambles on a 10 mile bike ride, or a lake when we went windsurfing. They were also very aware of my rights, and when I was diagnosed aged 7 (and prior to this) my dad made good friends with the medical dictionary, which meant when we did have to see doctors or other professionals, my parents were well versed with what I needed and any support that would help. They also made school aware that they were the kind of parents who wanted to be involved in all stages of my education. It also meant that they were able to fight for me, in more ways, than most parents needed to. One of the best things they did was get me extra tuition to pass Maths GCSE - albeit by one mark - but it was still a pass!
Things that they didn't do so well - I was a very protected child growing up, and more so as a teenager, I would have liked more "freedom." I think the part of their reasons were out of care and worry, but as I grew older, and my differences with my siblings became more apparent, making sense of a my childhood became difficult, and mental health set in. Traveling was a main issue and alongside it isolation. They could have encouraged me in slightly different ways, that wasn't always academic performance. However they never said to me "you must do this when you leave school", they always supported me with what I was good at, and I appreciated this. I lost time learning simple practical tasks that are needed for life, public transport, cooking, coping with things when they go wrong. I had to develop a lot of these skills a lot later than most people. I did not move out for university and wished I'd been more encouraged to make that step.
I spent a lot of my life in and out of hospitals, having tests, and if my dyspraxia, or difficulties, were explained to me earlier, processing it at a younger age may have made the subsequent years easier. I think being honest, to a level a child can understand, is a good way forward.
Alice, I’ve only just seen this considered and incredibly helpful response. These are such useful words of advice and I thoroughly appreciate it. I may have to read it 3 or 4 times so it sinks in! DD
ReplyDelete